OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT IS THIS?
My grandmother will routinely find stuff at yard sales or Goodwill and then bring it home and gift my children with these finds. Which I'm usually cool with. But I came home from my conference last weekend to find these soulless hell beasts staring at me from my dining room table. Which had a bunch of dishes on it because, you know, I was at conference and I'm the only person in the house capable of putting dishes in the fucking sink. That was the least of my troubles when I saw this, though. I thought my husband was pulling a cruel prank on me.
I got myself some dinner, then came out of the kitchen to find them doing this:
Just about the only thing creepier than a resin sculpture of innocent-looking children with vacant, vaguely hopeful expressions is the same thing, but staring at the wall like this is the end of the goddamned Blair Witch Project. Since I am easily startled, this got quite a reaction out of me.
And yes, this time, it was my husband playing a creepy, awful trick on me.
Later, as I sat in my office, reflecting over the good times I'd had that weekend, my daughter - who is completely enamored of this horrible sculpture, comes in and says, "My children want paper. My children want to color." I'm like, "Your children?" and then I look out my office door and, through the smudges on the glass, I see this:
They were staring right in at me. I swear, I heard some spectral voice going, "La la la la la-la," or something, it was that spooky.
Daughter now carries these around everywhere and refers to them as "her children," in what has to be the most unsettling little girl from a horror movie voice ever.
I live with these things now, guys. They are a part of my life now.
If you never hear from me again, it's because they have dragged me with them into the jaws of the abyss.
Don't blink. Whatever you do, don't blink.
ReplyDeleteI think this is an elaborate prank in which your husband has enlisted your daughter. I'd kill him, just to be sure.
ReplyDeleteCan't sleep, resin children will eat you.
ReplyDeleteNo, what ya need to do is tuck them in next to hubby when he's sleeping. Like a creepy resin horse head.
are these the "love is ..." children when they are dressed?
ReplyDeleteOh no! I've come to the end! I was trying to slide to the next page so read the next recap while my kids are having their quiet time and I could not for the life of me figure out why it wouldn't work! Then, I noticed the date on this and realized that I will now have to wait for you to write each new recap. :'(
ReplyDeleteAnyway..
When I was about 12, my friend and I were staying at her grandmother's house. Her grandmother collected those porcelain dolls.. you know, the ones that each have their own stand and are about 18 inches tall? Well, the room we were staying in had about 40 of these dolls in it, all of them sitting on the ledge that went around the bedroom. It was fucking creepy and we couldn't sleep. We decided to turn them all to the wall so they wouldn't be staring at us, it worked and we managed to fall asleep. Great, right? We woke up in the morning to see that every single doll in the room was once again facing us and some of them had been rearranged! We screamed, got the fuck out of there and told my friend's mom what happened. Her mom laughed her head off then told us that the grandma was down there cleaning that morning and was wondering why all the dolls were facing the wall. It was her who put them back but we refused to sleep in there the next night.
That would have scarred me for life
DeleteOh my god that's terrifying but hilarious.
DeleteTry silver. Or cold iron. Maybe even salt lines. Hell, just put every single mystical herb you can think of between them and yourself. When your husband can go two feet without a twig of vervain, rowan or wolfsbane hitting in in the face or salt getting in his socks, and starts seeing you smelting silver with an acetylene torch and hammering iron with the strength of your own sleepless will, he'll get the message. ;P
ReplyDelete*can't go two feet.
DeleteThe rule of children and toys is that the more hideous it is, the more they will love it. Closely related to the more money you spend on it, the faster they will get bored with it.
ReplyDeleteMy three year old would probably love that statue.
Yeah, those unholy things are absolutely going to eat your soul when you go to sleep next - so have fun with that. On the bright side, once you don't have a soul you can make piles of money a) as a lawyer, b) as a trader, or c) by selling some fanfic.
ReplyDeleteOh my fucking god. You must burn them. Separate their ashes and bury them in several distant locations so they can't reassemble. They must be stopped!
ReplyDeleteLiz
The second I saw those two, my brain replayed this scene - http://youtu.be/HyophYBP_w4
ReplyDelete