Before we dive into this bittersweet last recap, I want to just thank everyone who has come here and had discussions, pointed out errors (E.L. James's and my own), who have enjoyed the recaps, and really, to the people who didn't enjoy them, too, because you participated as well. This has been a lot of fun. I'm still on the fence about book two, but we'll see what happens after my vacation.
Oh, what's that, you ask? My vacation? Well, I'll tell you. When this beauty posts on Saturday, I will be on my way up north, to Michigan's beautiful U.P. That is, I'll be leaving the part of my beautiful state that looks like a mitten and heading to the part that looks more like a shark or someone's hand if they've worked in a paper mill their entire vocational life and they maybe had some industrial accidents. If you've never been to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, you're missing a really unique time capsule of a place. It's like stepping back into the 1950's in some places. It's truly magical, and I'm going to spend a whole week on the shores of the big lake they call Gitcheegoomi, otherwise known as Lake Superior. That's one of the Great Lakes, Chet. Be jealous. There's a sea monster in it. I'll be working on a book of mine own, for the first time in months, and hanging out with some like-minded author friends and probably passing my days in a Hunter S. Thompson style substance binge. Maybe it will cleanse my soul and I'll be all geared up to read more about Jack Hyde. Who knows. Maybe I'll blow off the Mighty Mac and die. I really hope not, because I think that's only happened to like, one other person and it would SUCK to be the second person that happened to. I wouldn't even make the papers.
So, without further ado, here is the final 50 Shades of Grey recap, with way fewer punches pulled, in my opinion.
I wake with a jolt.I realize that this is the last time I'm going to have to read a chapter that begins with Ana waking up or going to sleep. Victory is mine!
Ana wakes up at five in the morning because of the three hour time difference. She was only there for four days, dude. She gets jet-lagged easily. She needs to take her pill, so she gets out of bed to do so. I wonder why she's taking her pill so early in the morning, that she's going to have to set an alarm to wake her up that early. Or maybe she forgot her pill the day before. Don't know, don't care, this is the last day of school for me.
Christian is playing piano, so she puts on her robe and goes to listen to the "melodic lament" he's playing. Doesn't this guy know any happy songs? Oh shit, that's right, he couldn't know any happy songs, because he's tortured.
Shrouded in darkness, Christian sits in a bubble of light as he plays, and his hair glints with burnished copper highlights. He looks naked, though I know he's wearing his PJ bottoms. He's concentrating, playing beautifully, lost in the melancholy of the music.I feel like this has happened before. I have the oddest sense of deja vu.
Just ignore it.
He looks lost, sad even, and achingly lonely - or maybe it's just the music that's so full of poignant sorrow. He finishes the piece, pauses for a split second, then starts to play it again.That's probably the only piano piece he knows, and he just plays it when women are over to like, impress them. Once, I saw some youtube clip where James May was talking about how even guys who can't play the piano could learn to play this one, impressive sounding piece, and it would get them ladies. Let me see if I can't rustle that clip up and post it here for all my James May lovin' sisters and brothers:
Okay, I may have confused this clip with the one from Man Lab where he teaches the guy to cheat on guitar. But in any case, that's what happened. Christian Grey only knows how to play one song on the piano, and I'm sticking with that theory, because it's hilarious.
Full disclosure, I had to share that link because I love all of you who have come out to me with your James May crushes and I thought we should share this moment before the fickleness of the internet forces us apart. Know that I will forever remember your excellent taste in over-forty hotties.
I move cautiously toward him, drawn as the moth to the flame... the idea makes me smile.You know, that metaphor will never get old. I assume I'll see plenty of it in book two.
Sigh.
You know I'm totally going to read the damn thing.
Christian tells her she should be asleep. Well, maybe if someone with a piano wasn't making a bunch of fucking racket and forcing us to experience scene deja vu...
I ignore his facial expression and very bravely sit down beside him on the piano stool, placing my head on his bare shoulder to watch his deft, agile fingers caress the keys. He pauses fractionally, and then continues to the end of the piece.
"What was that?" I ask softly.
"Chopin. Opus 8, number 4. In E minor, if you're interested," he murmurs.There's like, only one way to improve on that sentence, and that would be to add, "Pleb," to the end of it. That would be hilarious.
Ana says that she's always interested in what he does, and I'm kind of expecting him to say, "Not super controlling pseudo BDSM," but he doesn't, unfortunately.
"I didn't mean to wake you."
"You didn't. Play the other one."Oh snap, she's on to him and his one song repertoire!
"The Back piece that you played the first night I stayed."
"Oh, the Marcello."Just play it, jackass.
He starts to play slowly and deliberately. I feel the movement of his hands in his shoulder as I lean against him and close my eyes. The sad, soulful notes swirl slowly and mournfully around us, echoing off the walls. It is a hauntingly beautiful piece, sadder even than the Chopin, and I lose myself to the beauty of the lament. To a certain extent, it reflects how I feel. The deep poignant longing I have to know this extraordinary man better to try and understand his sadness.I'm sure that's exactly what the composer intended. He was like, "Some day, not soon, but some day, my work will be immortalized in a book about an intensely unlikable woman and her abusive boyfriend." And then Thomas Tallis swooped in and stole his thunder.
"Why do you only play such sad music?"For attention.
Christian asks Ana for what feels like the hundredth time in this scene already why she's up, and she explains the timezone difference and that she has to take her pill. He chides her about starting birth control in another time zone, and then lays out this very specific plan for getting back on schedule. I realize that they really do recommend you take your birth control pill at the same time every day, but is three hours difference really going to matter on your, what, fourth or fifth pill? I don't think it would. I'm not a gynecologist, but I just don't think it would.
Christian wants to have sex, but Ana would rather talk. Because that's what this book is about, one slow, teasing build up to a conversation. I bet you thought it was about the sex!
The sex was a red herring.
"Maybe on the piano," he whispers.
Oh my. My whole body tightens at the thought. Piano. Wow.Go for it. It will never, ever be as hot as this:
Nothing will ever be this hot.
Rather than have sex on the piano, Ana wants to figure out, once and for all, what is up with their relationship, and specifically the contract.
"Well, I think the contract is moot, don't you?" His voice is low and husky, his eyes soft. "Moot?"
"Moot." He smiles. I gape at him quizzically.
"But you were so keen."So... wait a second. You spend the entire book bitching about how you don't want to sign the contract, and now you're all, "Hey, why haven't I signed the contract?" about it? Ana cannot make up her damned mind.
"Well, that was before. Anyway, the Rules aren't moot, they still stand." His expression hardens slightly.So, he's not into the paperwork anymore, but he's still going to want total control over her entire life. You know, at least under the contract, thee were safeguards for the stuff she didn't want to do. But before, he says? Before what?
"Before,"... He pauses, and the wary expression is back, "more." He shrugs.
"Oh."
"Besides, we've been in the playroom twice now, and you haven't run screaming for the hills."
"Oh."
"Do you expect me to?"
"Nothing you do is expected, Anastasia," he says dryly.Are we reading the same book, Christian? I've been able to pretty accurately predict every thing she's done so far.
"So, let me be clear. You just want me to follow the Rules of element of the contract all the time but not the rest of the contract?"
"Except in the playroom. I want you to follow the spirit of the contract in the playroom, and yes, I want you to follow the rules - all the time. Then I know you'll be safe, and I'll be able to have you anytime I wish."You guys got that? She doesn't have to follow the contract, just the rules, unless they're in the play room, but he wants her to follow the rules all the time. And the reason she needs to do this is so that he'll be able to have her any time he wants. Look at how reasonable that is!
"And if I break one of the rules?"
"But won't you need my permission?"
"Yes, I will."
"And if I say no?"
He gazes at me for a moment, with a confused expression.
"If you say no, you'll say no. I'll have to find a way to persuade you." I pull away from him and stand. I need some distance. He frowns as I stare down at him. He looks puzzled and wary again
"So the punishment aspect remains."
"Yes, but only if you break the rules."What the shit is this, the freaking LSATs? It's like a logic problem, and in the answers it says "none of the above" right above "all of the above." How is she supposed to figure any of this out? Is she writing it down?
Ana can't really remember what the rules are. If she could hear me, I would remind her that the rules are as follows:
Rules for being Chedward's girlfriend
- Do what he says, whenever he says.
- If you don't, he gets to beat you.
- Don't have friends or family he doesn't approve of.
Chedward goes to get her a copy of the rules, and Ana thinks about how weird it is that they're talking about it early in the morning while his business is in crisis. Well, you know, Ana, you were the one who brought it up. It's not like you didn't know what time it is.
When he returns with the rules, I don't see a lot of changes, though Ana assures the reader that some things are crossed out. she's still expected to do whatever he asks "eagerly and without hesitation" sleep the number of hours he wants, eat the foods he approves, wear the clothing he approves, work out with a trainer, stay completely waxed, and behave the way he deems appropriate. She must do all these things, or be punished.
They start to talk a little bit about the contract, but then Ana has the audacity to roll her eyes. Christian wants to spank her for that infraction, but Ana tells him he has to catch her first.
"I'm quite fast you know." I try for nonchalance.
"So am I."
He's stalking me, in his own kitchen.Must be nice for him to be working from home for a change. Christian points out that if Ana runs and gets hurt, she'll be breaking one of the rules, but she takes off, anyway.
Suddenly, he lunges for me, making me squeal and run for the dining room table. I manage to escape, putting the table between us. My heart is pounding and adrenaline has spiked through my body... boy... this is so thrilling. I'm a child again, though that's not right.
So not right.
Ana outruns him for a while, and he says it seems like she doesn't want him to catch her:
"I don't. That's the point. I feel about punishment the way you feel about me touching you." His entire demeanor changes in a nanosecond. Gone is playful Christian, and he stands staring at me as if I'd slapped him. He's ashen.
"That's how you feel?" he whispers.
Those four words, and the way he utters them, speaks volumes. Oh no.They tell me so much more about him and how he feels. They tell me about his fear and loathing.
We can't stop here. This is spank country.
Ana backs down from her assertion that she hates being spanked as much as he hates being touched, because she gets this crazy feeling that disliking being spanked due to not being spanked as a child is probably not the same as disliking being touched due to having someone put fucking cigarettes out on your chest as a child. Then she claims that she's "'ambivalent about it. I don't like it, but I don't hate it.'" Okay, that's selling yourself a little short. You don't like physical pain, speak up and be honest about it, don't back down like, "Oh, I'm actually just 'meh' about it," when you really feel strongly that you do not want to be involved in physical pain as a sexual fetish.
Because that's what this is, readers. In the final chapter, we get to the crux of things. Christian isn't into BDSM. He's into causing pain, which, while sometimes falling under the umbrella of BDSM, is a pretty specific subgenre of BDSM fun times:
"I do it for you, Christian, because you need it. I don't. You didn't hurt me last night. That was in a different context, and I can rationalize that internally, and I trust you. But when you want to punish me, I worry that you'll hurt me." His gray eyes blaze like a turbulent storm. Time moves, and expands and slips away before he answers softly.
"I want to hurt you. But not beyond anything that you couldn't take." Fuck!
"Why?"
He runs his hand through his hair, and he shrugs.
"I just need it." He pauses, gazing at me with anguish, and he closes his eyes and shakes his head. "I can't tell you," he whispers.Ana asks if it's "can't" or "won't" and he admits that he just plain won't tell her. Because he's afraid she'll leave him. So, he just wants to cause her pain, for no reason, and she should be cool about it, because he knows exactly what she can/can't handle with regard to his tortured past.
"Don't leave me. You said you wouldn't leave me, and you begged me not to leave you, in your sleep," he murmurs against my lips.
Oh... my nocturnal confessions.
"I don't want to go." And my heart clenches, turning itself inside out.
This is a man in need. His fear is naked and obvious, but he's lost... somewhere in his darkness. His eyes wide and bleak and tortured. I can soothe him. Join him briefly in the darkness and bring him into the light.How is she going to do this? By letting him beat the ever living shit out of her. No, I'm not kidding. She tells Christian she wants to see how much it can hurt, and he expresses disbelief.
"Yes, I said I would." But I have an ulterior motive. If I do this for him, maybe he will let me touch him.This seems like the sort of thing you might want to work out, perhaps on paper, in a contract of some kind, perhaps, before you let someone unleash hell on your butt. Either way, he's DTS (down to spank) and he takes her into the red room and tells her to bend over a bench. He's going to hit her with a belt. A straight up belt.
"We're here because you said yes, Anastasia. And you ran from me. I am going to hit you six times, and you will count with me."Six times, with a belt, so it hurts as much as it can possibly hurt. You dig? This is the moment, guys.
"I am doing this so that you remember not to run from me, and as exciting as it is, I never want you to run from me," he whispers.
And the irony is not lost on me. I was running to avoid this. If he'd opened his arms, I'd run to him, not away from him.Ana notices that as he talks, though, he sounds more like the Christian she's used to, like he's in his element or something.
I close my eyes, bracing myself for the blow. It comes hard, snapping across my backside, and the bit of the belt is everything I feared. I cry out involuntarily, and take a huge gulp of air.So, the belt hurts. At least it's not the canes, right? So, he hits her, it hurts, etc.
"Five." My voice is more a choked, strangled sob, and in this moment, I think I hate him.Once he's done whipping her with the belt, she doesn't want him touching her, but all he wants to do is straight up cuddle. Guys, pssh. Always with the cuddling, am I right, ladies?
"Don't touch me!" I hiss. I straighten and stare at him, and he's watching me as if I might bolt, gray eyes wide, bemused. I dash the tears angrily out of my eyes with the backs of my hands, glaring at him.
"This is what you really like? Me, like this?" I use the sleeve of the bathrobe to wipe my nose.
He gazes at me warily.
"Well, you are one fucked-up son of a bitch."Let me just remind you, he bought what appeared to be murder supplies in front of her in chapter two. Straight out of Dexter murder supplies. And then she found out they were just for sex. And only now does she think he's fucked up?
Ana tells him to sort his shit out and then goes to her room.
What was I thinking? Why did I let him do that to me? I wanted the dark, to explore how bad it could be - but it's too dark for me. I cannot do this. Yet, this is what he does, this how he gets his kicks.
What a monumental wake-up call. And to be fair to him, he warned me and warned me, time and again. He's not normal. He has needs that I cannot fulfill. I realize that now.Let's keep on forgetting how he doesn't meet a single one of your needs. Let's roll around in our anguish about not being able to meet his. Oh, you're going to do that for a whole bunch more paragraphs? Please, carry on.
Why, why, why have I fallen in love with Fifty Shades? Why?Replace "I" with "Women" and you will be echoing my frustration with this book, Ana.
Oh, his distraught look as I left. I was so cruel, so shocked by the savagery... will he forgive me... will I forgive him? My thoughts are all haywire and jumbled, echoing and bouncing off the inside of my skull. My subconscious is shaking her head sadly, and my inner goddess is nowhere to be seen.Maybe Christian beat her to death.
I have to go. That's it... I have to leave. He's no good for me, and I am no good for him. How can we possibly make this work? And the thought of not seeing him again practically chokes me... my Fifty Shades.I feel like that phrase has been used so many times in this book, both the words "fifty" and "shades" are now meaningless for all eternity.
Christian comes in and tries to snuggle with her, but she's still not having it. He's brought her Advil and Arnica cream, but I don't know what Arnica cream is, so I'm going to just call it ass cream.
Here goes. I need to say my piece. "I don't think I can be everything you want me to be," I whisper. His eyes widen slightly, and he blinks, his fearful expression returning.
"You are everything I want you to be."
What?
"I don't understand. I'm not obedient, and you can be sure as hell I'm not going to let you do that to me again. And that's what you need, you said so." He closes his eyes again, and I can see a myriad of emotions cross his face. When he reopens them, his expression is bleak. Oh no.We all know that they're breaking up, so allow me to interrupt this recap to defend "a myriad of." I know it sticks in some of your craws when it shows up in this book. And God knows I don't want to be E.L. James's champion or anything. But this is important. If you look up "myriad" in Miriam-Webster, it's going to tell you that either "myriad" or "a myriad of" are correct usage. I'm sorry for your loss.
Ana and Christian continue to break up, complete with a whole, "You're right, you should go"/"I don't want to go"/"I don't want you to go" back and forth, but then Ana lets loose with the game changer:
"Me too," I whisper, "I've fallen in love with you, Christian." His eyes widen again, but this time, with pure undiluted fear.Remember how he had that whole commitment problem before, readers? Dropping L-bombs doesn't work great with him, for some reason, and he flips out. Why? Because he can't make Ana happy.
Holy fuck. This really is it. This is what it boils down to - incompatibility - and all those poor subs come to mind.They make their break up official and Ana asks for privacy to get dressed, because she is going to leave.
I have had my eyes opened and glimpsed the extent of his depravity, and I now know he's not capable of love - of giving or receiving love. My worst fears have been realized. And strangely, it's very liberating.
The pain is such that I refuse to acknowledge it. I feel numb. I have somehow escaped from my body and am now a casual observer to this unfolding tragedy.She takes a shower, gets dressed, and as she's digging through her suitcase she finds the little gift she got for Christian. Bit reveal time, it's a model kit of a glider. She even wrote a note that says, "This reminded me of a happy time."
Wait, what? Reminds her of a happy time... yesterday?
She leaves the glider and the note on Christian's pillow, thinking really dramatic thoughts about breaking up with her boyfriend of less than a month:
I cannot believe that my world is crumbling around me into a sterile pile of ashes, all my hopes and dreams cruelly dashed.Okay, hold up. All your hopes and dreams? You've been with this guy like, a few weeks. Didn't you have hopes and dreams before you met him? Or did you just throw those out when the more important boyfriend came along?
As Ana comes out of the bathroom, she hears Christian on the phone, yelling at someone, ordering them to "find her." I assume he's already stalking his next lady love, then?
Ana tries to return the computer and BlackBerry, she just wants the money Taylor got for selling her car. They argue about it, but he ends up giving her a check. While Taylor brings the car round, and after they argue some more, Christian says:
"I don't want you to go," he murmurs, his voice full of longing.
"I can't stay. I know what I want and you can't give it to me, and I can't give you what you need."Ana leaves Christian in his sterile art gallery of an apartment, and goes downstairs to get in the car.
Embarrassment and shame washes over me. I'm a complete failure. I had hoped to drag my Fifty Shades into the light, but it's proved a task beyond my meager abilities. Desperately, I try to keep my emotions banked and at bay. As we head out onto 4th Avenue, I stare blankly out of the window, and the enormity of what I've done slowly washes over me. Shit - I've left him. The only man I've ever loved. The only man I've ever slept with.Ana starts bawling in the car, and then when she gets home, shit really hits the fan, because she sees the deflated helicopter balloon tied to the end of her bed.
I fall onto my bed, shoes and all, and howl. The pain is indescribable... physical, mental... metaphysical... it is everywhere, seeping into the marrow of my bones. Grief.You know, I've had a similar reaction, myself. WHEN SOMEONE FUCKING DIED. GET YOUR SHIT SHIT TOGETHER ANA.
This is grief - and I've bought it on myself. Deep down, a nasty, unbidden thought comes from my inner goddess, her lip curled in a snarl... the physical pain from the bite of a belt is nothing, nothing compared to this devastation. I curl up, desperately clutching the flat foil balloon and Taylor's handkerchief, and surrender myself to my grief.So, basically what just happened in this chapter is the beginning of the second Twilight book. So, we're going to leave our recaps just like this:
THANK YOU FOLKS! (AB)NORMAL BLOG ENTRIES RESUME JULY 2nd!
WE FUCKING SURVIVED THIS BOOK TOGETHER!
w00t go us! ::hands out wine in honor of the fact we finished the book:: HEY WAIT A MINUTE. Christian didn't give her ALCOHOL this chapter that's why she left him!
ReplyDeleteDuh Christian.
Realizing that reality is the least of EL James' concerns here, but having been hit with a belt before--how did Ana JUST realize how much physical pain she was in? She shouldn't have been able to dress without wincing in pain much less SIT if he beat her as badly as her 'I think I hate him' statement would make us believe.
Also, my selfish side would love you to recap book 2. My 'but I want more original writing from her' side however realizes that's selfish and instead I'll wish you luck on your writing jaunt and I can't wait to see what's next!
That was beautiful. :') Enjoy your much deserved vacation.
ReplyDeleteHave a great vacation! I've enjoyed these recaps so much. I really hope you will double down on your pain (for our pleasure) and recap book two. Besides, EL never revealed what The Situation was. You assume is was work related, but it might just be a cheesy dude from Jersey.
ReplyDeleteAna gapes quizzically? How does one do that?
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your freedom!
Oh. You're done recapping. I'm so happy for you. (sob)
ReplyDeleteHave a great vaca and thank you for taking us all on this godforsaken journey. It's been a doozie and I could never have done it without your recaps. I mean that. I abandoned ship after chapter 3, so being able to finish without having to actually endure the pain = gloriousness. I had planned to stick around whether you read book 2 or not, but I'm overjoyed that you actually are. My inner goddess fist pumps in joy.
LATERS, BABY!!
Have a fun vacation! Also, my dad uses arnica cream after working out or screwing his back up. It's regular stuff, I hope, unless my dad is keeping my mom's secret BSDM habits from me!
ReplyDeleteCame for the recaps, staying for recapper, but not in a creepy way. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for your herculean efforts here, you're made of sterner stuff than I. Plus it's nice to have a place to direct people (my entire office being currently obsessed with this beast) instead of grinding through the same arguments.
Man, how awkward is it going to be when Ana finds out she's pregnant with Christian's half-vampire baby?
ReplyDeleteThank you for the beautiful and hilarious recaps and enjoy your much deserved vacation!
First of all, THANK YOU so much for the recaps.
ReplyDeleteSecond, have a nice vacation and relax.
About this chapter... What kind of shitty end is that? It's not even a cliffhanger, is it?!
I have to say, I hate the Twilight series mostly. But this is even more crap.
Ok, so if you'll recap book 2, I'll gladly read it. But as I started to read your blog before the recaps, I'll stay anyway. ^^
Because your vampires are real vampires, not slim fast diet coke vampires (stolen from Stephen Moyer).
Thank you, Jennifer!
ReplyDeleteHey everybody!
ReplyDeleteI think that we should all find out where Jennifer is and show up at the bar she goes to to hang out with her fellow authors. Then we'll text her and ask her how many more drinks she intends on having. When she looks around, she'll see us at a table in the bar watching her, all wearing t-shirts with her picture. Who's with me???
I'm sad it's over, but you so deserve this vacation. Have fun. I'm going to keep reading, I have enjoyed your blog as a whole, not just these recaps. If you do decide to recap the next book, I will seriously throw a party!
Question about this horrendous book. Why do so many women feel like they are failures if they don't succeed in changing a man? This bothers me SO MUCH, I can't even tell you. Just another horrible, horrible neuroticism that James is perpetuating for women. This book should be labeled neurotica, not erotica.
Ana (before this book) I wholeheartedly agree with this plan! Hey hey does anyone have a shady but attractive looking guy we can borrow as our 'driver'?
ReplyDeleteHonestly my main thought throughout the book (that wasn't omg my brain will never forgive for this) was, is EL James really condoning this behavior? Will she be gleefully happy when some poor sap writes her a letter and says 'I found my very own Christian Grey and he's 50 Shades of Fucked Up too'?
If her daughter were to come to her and say 'Mom, this is Christian Grey. He takes me to his Room of Doom and beats me when I don't eat right, or get wet on command or talk to the people he doesn't--oh he's not happy now! I should let him hit me until he screws me! By the way we can never talk again'.
There's some fucked up fanfic out there (I'll never ever forget the Lucius/Draco fanfic that had Lucius literally screwing Draco's brains out) but no one takes fanfic seriously and says they want to live their life this way.
Ana(BTB), I am so down with this. XD </creeper>
ReplyDeleteAnd seriously, have a fantastic vacation! The recaps were easily the highlight of my Reader. :D<3
1. Back????
ReplyDelete2. I'm pretty sure you have a four-hour window to take your bc in which you're still safe. Take it an hour later each day if you wanna but it's seriously not that big of a deal.
Besides, it takes at least two weeks depending on the type of birth control to be protected. But there's NO WAY they could have a oops. *eyeroll*
3. I don't get why she calls him Fifty Shades. Honestly, I don't. And this is coming from someone who has a character who nicknamed another Pittsburgh.
4. The "before more" scene - what is WITH the dialogue? There are too many sentences to tell who's talking.
5. Because how much she sleeps is totally something she can control. Has he never heard of insomnia?
6. She really bothers me in this chapter. Christian's an @$$, but at least he's honest about what he wants. She flip-flops back and forth so much that it drives me NUTS. Shut up, think for a minute, and say what you want in a relationship, Ana. THEN FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT.
7. I really want you to recap the other two books, too. They're hilarious and I don't want to read the books myself XD But maybe after a break so you can recharge your batteries?
Have a great vacation!!
She left him! She left him! The book has a happy ending!
ReplyDeleteOh, wait. There are still two more books in the series?
Oh, shit.
Thank you thank you thank you for the recaps. They made the book enjoyable. I have to say I read the other two books because I was confused how she could get two more after that ending. I declared this book the worst book I've ever read. The second and third weren't (to me) quite as bad. They're not award winners, but they were slightly better.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your vacation, and I desperately hope you decide to recap book 2.
I was so glad she left him at the end of that book. Since there are two more books, it's obvious they get back together, but at least she stuck to her guns and left him. I hope you decide to tackle book 2 and do recaps, but, if you don't thanks very much for doing book 1. Hope you have a great vacation.
ReplyDeleteThank you for these! I don't want to read the books, and you've been so kindly saving me from them. I could hug you, but totally not in a creepy you-don't-know-me-at-all way. :)
ReplyDeleteThat said, I really hope you'll recap the others to continue saving us from this story. And yes, I've been posting your blog link *everywhere* I find discussion of these books.
I want to offer to clean up your post tags for you, and then I could direct people to a tag link. But you deserve to have people reading the rest of your posts too, so I won't, like, break into your computer and do it for you or anything. Kay? I know my boundaries. :)
Now watch, someone *will* break into your account and I'll get the blame. :)
ReplyDelete*hopes no one breaks into your account*
Enjoy your vacation!
This is Andrea's complete lack of sympathy for poor, poor Anastasia's suffering.
ReplyDeleteOh anyway, arnica is supposed to have bruise-soothing properties or something. Frankly after a fully grown man belted my ass, I'd want Demerol, but that's just me.
ReplyDeleteI'm of two minds that you're continuing with the recaps. My selfish part loves it, because they're hilarious, and so often crystallize the just flat out WRONGNESS of the situation. (Feel free to use that last picture...) However, the benevolent side of me knows how difficult it is for you. I'd like to proffer a new system: instead of chapter by chapter, why not "Sections" of the book? Recap Part 1: Chapters 1-4, Part 2: 5-7, yadda yadda... plus it serves my need for instant gratification, so it's still kind of a selfish act on my part. How Ana of me.
ReplyDeleteYou should host a book club for book 2.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your vacation.
YAY! You're a hero! You made it! :D I loved the recaps from beginning to end, had to laugh SO hard at the idea of Ana having 'two asses' (twice the fun for spanking?) and want to hug you for saying you'd even tackle the second book now.^^ I hope you have great fun on your vacation, it sounds like a magical place, and SO much better than the craptastic fifty shades world. XD
ReplyDeleteI found out about your series via Twitter from one of your 50-Shades related PSAs being linked there. I've been a loyal reader ever since and have shared it with my friends :)
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job of knowing when it was appropriate to snark and when it was appropriate to turn more serious and point out the damaging messages underneath the awful prose. I've seen a lot that mocks 50 Shades, and while it's all enjoyable to a certain degree, there's a tendency to seem judgmental about BDSM or mock the prose without being aware of the plagiarism angle. I too had a friend that ended up like yours in your PSA and it hurts to think how she fell for the Christian-esque logic...and how now that's apparently glorified.
I have not read the version that costs money, but I have read Part 1 of the fanfic which is still up in some places for intrepid readers. Part 1 covers more ground after their breakup (there is Jack Hyde tension and Mrs. Robinson awkwardness and another sub reappearing), so there is hilarity if you decided to read on, I doubt she removed any/all of those characters for her ~original~ work of fiction.
I think some people feel the later books are better because the BDSM is toned down as Ana heals him with love (and then boring baby details), and this book hammers into our heads that BDSM=bad people. He does charming stuff like revealing he likes beating women that look like his mother, and I also remember some quote from 50 Shades of Suck about him using a flogger on her pregnant belly so...I doubt they're that much better. But I also sympathize that you had to spend actual money on this book, and if you write about the other two, you'll have to spend even more money that could go towards buying anything else in the universe.
Anyway, have a great vacation :) I've also enjoyed your Saturday excerpts and will be returning to read your blog, regardless of 50 Shades updates.
Thank you for some of the most entertaining reading I've done in months, not just your recap of the terrible work of EL James, but all your blog posts.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your awesome.
ReplyDeleteI take this book horribly personally because I am an aspiring novelist and I can't stop thinking 'if I don't get published my book must be worse than 50-ways-to-tell-you-are-in-an-abusive-and-also-dull-relationship.
Your amazing blog has really helped me deal with those feelings!
You ARE going to read book 2!
ReplyDeleteOh jeez, my subconscious is jumping up and down like a little girl wearing pigtails and my inner goddess is smirking at you in an “I knew it” kind of way and I’m flushing and getting tingly “down there.”
But seriously, for suffering through this. Rather than viewing your exposé as a slap down of another woman author, it should been seen as a PSA for all women. Well, as that lofty achievement AND a great snarky read with fantastic cultural references. ☺
I’d totally stalk you to the UP, but alas my own little people need me. Enjoy your vacation!
Dang it! Blogger removed my THANK YOU.
ReplyDeleteIt should read "But seriously, THANK YOU for suffering through this."
Stupid format error.
A friend of mine absolutely despised the Twilight series on principle but started reading "50 Shades of meh" because everyone else had it on their summer reading list. The highlight of my year was telling her that it was formerly Twihard Fanficton. When I told her, she cooly assessed me from hooded eyes that widened under a furrowed brow and whined "oh jeezucrap! I. Am. So. Mad." My inner goddess shook her American Cheerleading pom-poms and Medusa hair. I smiled in my lofty tower of knowledge as I munched on digestive biscuits and tea saying "I read literature." My friend shrieked "What?!" I laughed - and for the first time smiled in my lofty tower of knowledge.
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, it was awesome, as were your epic recaps.
I want to scream over this trilogy, because what REALLY irks me is women already have the misguided notion that they can "heal" men, or bad boys -- so the fact that this trilogy is proving that to be correct makes me want to shake all the Fifty lovers out there, just like the Incredible Hulk did.
ReplyDeleteI have been with my share of bad boys and men who've come from fucked-up childhoods, and you know what? They stay bad boys, and they stay fucked-up, and they bring that fucked-up behavior into every aspect of your life together. Despite the love of a good woman. This trilogy glorifies them, and that. is. so. wrong.
/rant
50 Shades of Awesome! I just found your blog last Friday and it was SO hilarious! I just finished book three ... and let me assure you, it only gets worse. From him bullying her into taking his name ... to screaming at her that's she stupid ... to LITERALLY speaking the words, "I want to beat the shit out of you." I selfishly want you to read them only so I can laugh out loud at your take on the ass fuckery.
ReplyDeleteWell, after reading all your recaps (and your blog in the process) I have to at least say 'thank you'. I got here via a link on reddit and spent way too much time on your entries, when I should have been studying instead...
ReplyDeleteI laughed out loud and then felt anger rising up inside at all the bullshit that book is filled with. I am truly truly amazed and horrified at the success it has. By the end of it, I could barely stand even the quotes.
I enjoyed your writing stile greatly, although book two might be too much for me! Thank you again, you did an awesome job there.
Eva
Hey, I ended up here following a comment on Girls with Slingshots. That was about two hours ago. Thanks for reading this so I don't have to! I'd been wondering what all the fuss (positive and negative) was about and a little curious about the whole fanfiction-turned-novel thing.
ReplyDeleteWhat really annoys me about this... ok, one of the things that really annoys me is that I'm fairly certain this is not only a rip-off of Twilight (duh), but also a rip-off of some much better Twilight BDSM fanfic.
It's not my usual thing but I had a bit of a phase of ingesting Twilight fanfiction in large quantities. I can definitely remember reading something a couple of years ago that had a Friday-Sunday BDSM relationship with some similar plot points and the usual Twilight tropes. But it was well written (relatively speaking anyway), and had crazy things like character development and consensual sex in it. Distinct lack of child abuse too.
I read the blurb on the back of the second book in my local bookshop today and decided I couldn't pay money for the damn thing, but now I want to know what happens just so I can complain about it loudly :)
I've been reading some of your other blog posts and am definitely going to stick around whether you do more recaps or not but I think you should consider the service you're providing to the wider community here :)
Have a great vacation!
Thank you so, so much for recapping this! I got here through Jezebel and have devoured all your posts in a couple of days. I came for the humor, but stayed for the really important comments about the abusive quality of their relationship. I read a ton of romance novels in the mid- to late 1980s and this really picks up all their worst points and perpetrates the fundamental lies that so many women are duped by. Your needs are not important, his are. You exist to please men, not to please yourself. It is so important to have a man in your life that you have to put up with abusive, manipulative, selfish behavior. If you bend yourself into a pretzel to fit what you think he wants, if you never complain, if you never stick up for yourself, if you remain completely passive and uncritical and accepting, you can change him. Oh, and you can read his abusive behavior as a sign of his love.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to rant, but these kinds of books make me so mad, probably because I believed that crap for so long.
Have a wonderful vacation, and I look forward to reading your books!
Please write things.
ReplyDeletePlease continue the blog.
Please do not review the second book.
I am convinced this book is poison. It hurt to read the recaps; the squick that made it through your humor-filter was, in one archive binge, enough to shake my faith in relationships in general. I questioned whether anyone who likes the book could even understand a healthy relationship, much less experience one. (The temptation to conflate the various kinks with the deeper problems was also troubling, for a time.)
I'm saying that the book is bad for your soul as a writer, reader, and human. I like your voice far too much to ask you to take 50 shades of bullets for your audience again.
While this book is insufferable, your recaps have been a joy to read. Whatever your decision on book two, I will definitely be sticking around. I love your sense of humor! Have a fantastic vacation!
ReplyDeleteI can't believe that you read it not once, but twice AND commented chapter by chapter. Amazing! Is this like a literary BDSM that you're into? Or are you just torturing yourself to make EL James happy? Maybe you can save her it if hurts enough!?
ReplyDeletethe whole time I was reading your recaps, I kept thinking that if this happened in real life we would be reading the Ann Rule version instead of EL James, but then there would be no sexy times, just the sobering reality that abusive relationships suck and can end in death! With that in mind I have written a synopsis of the story with a more realistic ending as if they were in fact written by Ann Rule instead. (I assume that she manages to 'change' him rather than getting murdered. SO realistic!) I adapted this from an actual Ann Rule book about an abusive relationship (no BDSM in the real case):
I've predicted the end of the romance and written a synopsis of Ann Rule's version yet to come:
In perhaps her first true-crime book written from the victim's perspective, Ann Rule untangles a web of lies and brutality that culminated in the murder of Anastasia Steele — a woman whose shocking story Rule chronicles with compassion, exacting detail, and unvarnished candor. Ana never recognized the warning signs of abuse by her boyfriend, multi-millionaire Christian Grey, a handsome charmer — and a violent, controlling sociopath who coerced and manipulated Ana into the kinky world of bondage and sado-masochism, When Ana was slain in her home, authorities raced to link the crime to Grey, the jealous man who vowed to monitor Ana's every move in his obsessive quest for power and control.
1) I love the recaps — they have wonderfully reinforced the fact that I have no desire whatsoever to read this book.
ReplyDelete2) Someone commented on fb the other day about how they shouldn't cast Kristen Stewart as Anna because she was all wrong for the part. All I could think was that Kristen acts with no personality whatsoever, and based on your recaps she actually would be perfect ... but decided I didn't feel like dealing with the obnoxious hate storm that would follow if I pointed that out, especially since I haven't actually read it myself.
Have fun on vacation! I've never been to MI but as it is my family's ancestral lands (Grand Rapids) I hear Mackinac Island is pretty awesome in a no cars kind of way.
ReplyDeleteAs far as all the speculation for the movie casting I'm voting with the James Deen contingent. Its going to be somewhere between R and soft-core porn anyway so why not kick it up a notch. And if there are longer sex scenes we can cut out all the stupid emailing. Actually, I just want a porn parody at this point...
Thank you for these. I've been reading them in between bouts of editing a book, and they've made the whole process so much more amusing. It's horrifying what people eat up these days, and I commend you for managing to slog your way through all the bullshit.
ReplyDeleteAlso, am I the only one who pictures Christian Grey as Christian Bale from American Psycho?
Come on, we need to know more about this strong woman who doesn't do anything she doesn't want to, except, you know, all the things some random rich guy tells her she wants to do, some guy who won't pressure her into anything (except if she says no, and then he will).
ReplyDeleteI read about these 'books' in a 'news' article. I heard about them from friends. (Former friends). I saw comments on Pinterest. I WISH I had read your blog first. I suffered through all three 'books'. My eyes cramped from rolling them so much. Now, when I read comments on Pinterest, or someone starts gushing over this 'empowering romance', I want to scream, "It's NOT a romance! The guy is a creepy control freak who commits Class A Felony Stalking!" Thank you for saying everything I was thinking, and saving me from ever reading anything Twilight.
ReplyDeleteI abso-fuckin-lutely loved this. This blog kept me going through a LOT. You are awesome and I will *definitely* be checking out your books. You made me crack up and saved me the time and money I would've wasted on this novel ... You are awesome and it doesn't matter what the other stupid "Anon"s have said: I'll keep reading your stuff even if you don't post a Book 2 recap (though I'd reeaaallly realllly love it).
ReplyDeleteThis isn't goodbye, babe, it's laters.
YOU ROCK! that is all :)
ReplyDeleteI have a single line that will either make you hate read the next book or run screaming into the hills.
ReplyDeleteSpoiler for 50 Shades Darker if you care:
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“I’m a sadist, Ana. I like to whip little brown-haired girls like you because you all look like the crack whore - my birth mother.” - Christian Grey
Dude, really? All she has to do is dye her hair, and he'll stop beating her? That sounds like something that ought to have been in the contract.
Delete"We can't stop here. This is spank country."
ReplyDeleteOh, man, stop making me snort my cereal all over my keyboard. I swear, you owe me a few new laptops for how many times that's happened.
Like many other readers, I was tossed here from Girls with Slingshots and I am so pumped to read that you're from Michigan. Hell ya! America's high five!
Enjoy your vacation and please don't get blown off the Mac because I'm selfish and really want to read more of your original work.
I'm currently reading from Germany, but when you finish your vacation I would be more than thrilled to treat you to a drink at Beer Exchange. Or to their onion rings *drool*. You deserve them after trucking through this "novel".
That was awesome!!
ReplyDeleteI've loved reading this recap over the last few days.
Not sure if you've read the second yet, but I'm sure it'll piss you off even more than the first (like it did with me).
Cheers!
Same as the Anon above, I've had so much fun reading these blog posts over the past couple of days. Others have tried to mock FSoG but I feel that none of them have done it as well as you have in this format. Every FSoG fan needs to read this blog. I can't wait until you tackle the next book!
ReplyDeleteYou are officially my hero for so many reasons. Thank you for these hilarious recaps (enhanced by references from 3 of my favorite things Arrested Development, Community and Clue). Ana is the WORST (so much more than Britta). Like many others have said before me I selfishly wish you would continue, but as someone who just finished book one a few days ago I know the dread i feel when I think about picking up 50 Shades Darker. Plus, something tells me (Maybe it was reading the entire twilight series) that they are going to get back together and I'm pretty sure they should just stay broken up like they are at the end of this book. This is about as happy as the ending can get for these two as a couple, no?
ReplyDeleteThanks again and enjoy the U.P.!
Thank you! Your recaps were so spot on and basically whenever anyone asks me my opinion about the book I am going to tell them to read your blog since you said everything I was thinking AND more AND said it funnier!
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your vacation!
Firstly, have a fantastic vacation. After this, you've deserved it! I kind offeel bad for the people who want you to recap the second one, but after the anguish you expressed with the shit writing in this one, I'd rather you recap something happier, and full of less flippy-floppy angst. Chuck Palahniuk's pretty good at that sort of stuff.
ReplyDeleteHappy Vacation! Thanks so much for taking the time to do this. I've been following your blog, quietly, since Blood Ties and I can't say how happy (and also terrified considering the psychological implications of the story) I am that you did these summaries. They are a good mix of making fun of it and making people aware of the implications at hand. Can't wait for (and help dreading) book two!
ReplyDeleteI only found you today so I can read your recaps all in one go. I was never going to read the book, but your blog...oh yes. Thank you for reading it so I don't have to. Now...back to Chapter 6... oh! And Thank You!
ReplyDeleteI found this recap series a few days ago and would've probably read them in one go were it not for the three ten hour shifts I had to endure over the past three days. Basically my life since Tuesday has consisted of work, sleep and reading these recaps.
ReplyDeleteAs many readers and commenters have said before; thank you for taking that bullet for us. I've slowly started to hear about this novel (it started when someone on tumblr asked a Michael Fassbender blog why they wouldn't want the Fass playing Grey and god now with everything I know, that would never happen. Ever. Fass got standards. Even Blood Creek was better than this is ever going to be, and that's saying something because that's a film that makes Fassbender ugly) and recently I've realised I'm going to have to read it to know precisely why it will be terrible.
Honestly though, the sex wasn't even that HOMG HOT SAUCY KINKY etc like I thought it was supposed to be. I mean, maybe I've read too much fanfic but honestly. It was pretty vanilla to me.
Anyway this entire experience has been equal parts hilarious and despairing. I mostly laughed because if I don't laugh I'll just weep for all of womankind.
The Situation recap had me in stitches and literally every time 'This guy. This fucking guy' came up, I was just curled up on my bed, shaking with hysterics. As for the 'trousers hanging off his hips in that way' portion, all I imagine is that he has some sort of flesh and cartilage/bone hook attached to his hips on which he literally hangs his trousers off of. Which has filled me with laughter whilst in public whenever I think about this.
I'm really hoping the childbirth analogy pans out for you because I'd hate to have to actually read the second and third in the trilogy without your excellent commentary. Enjoy the rest of your holidays! (Yeah I'm one of the Brits reading this that hasn't noticed a single Britishism than EL James has forgotten omit.)
Hi!
ReplyDeleteI hope you have a wonderful vacation and this comment finds you well! I, just like many of your fellow commentators, also thank you for not only doing the recap of 50 shades but also your blogs of much better stories.
I looked up 50 shades since everyone was talking about it and once I found out it was a Twilight fan fiction, I was appalled. I read your blog to arm myself with knowledge to argue against this garbage when it comes up among my friends. It is worse than I feared, I didn't realize how bad these books are and I can't believe the amount of people that read these books. The thing that I don't understand is a lot of the guys reaction to these books. They don't really care about the content because their getting "awesome sex". Well, maybe if they talked a bit more openly about their sex to their wives and girlfriends, they would be doing anal and blow jobs all along. Or maybe watch a porn together! Or just ask questions! You don't need to read garbage to get all "hot and bothered".
Sorry, didn't mean to rant. But anyway, thanks again for doing what you're doing. I'll continue to read your blog if you continue with the series or not. Thank you for letting me know my "enemy" better without having to give her a dime.
I read the books a while ago and my rage has been building ever since - notched up inch by inch as friend after friend declared them to be 'amazing'.
ReplyDeleteA couple of days ago I was attempting to rid myself of some of my bile on a discussion board (it seemed a better option than severing all my friendships), when a fellow poster directed me here.
I've spent most of the weekend in your company and Oh My! ... You've made me laugh until I cried real tears whilst voicing my deepest concerns about the messages this garbage sends out. THANK YOU!!
I will be continuing to visit your blog because, well, quite simply you Rock! What's more I will personally sit down with my deluded friends and force them to read you too (Christian Grey styleee if I have to).
Hope you had a great holiday.
Molly (UK)
Thank you so much for reading this trash so I don't have to. I'll also be sticking around for your blog after showing up for the recaps.
ReplyDeleteFifty Shades of Tripe just, ugh.
Just finished the recap -- thank you very much! I particularly enjoyed the musical accompaniments! I have been resisting the book for some time now but it will be much easier to get through having read this.
ReplyDeleteWhat I find shocking is the disconnect between the general media coverage I've seen so far and your clear-eyed commentary on the actual content.
The former vacillates between false-modest tittering about the idea of women reading graphic descriptions of sex and so-called 'concern' about people who are interested in BDSM.
Through reading your recaps I was SHOCKED by the actual content of 50SoG... I was expecting a Mary Sue storyline and trite sex scenes but something nonetheless based on a mature understanding of what BDSM actually IS.
All fandoms have their specialised BDSM enclaves and I'm SURE that 'Master of the Universe' or whatever would not have passed muster in the Twilight ones. How it managed to crawl out of the seething morass of ffnet I'll never know.
In any case, I thoroughly enjoyed your spork and you will stay in my mind as a Rifftrax while I read the real thing.
In the frivolous meantime I'm starting to feel disloyal for straying from my OTP (I'm one of THOSE) so I'm back off home to sweet Harry and Draco.
I started reading these because they were pretty entertaining, but they got more and more depressing as time went on.
ReplyDeleteThe piano scene in this last chapter is pretty much copied from The Notebook (movie at least, I haven't read the book). It's the same song.
Thanks for doing all the recaps! Even if the book was horrid, I enjoyed the recaps!
I've only read the book through the recaps here, but from those, I don't see what people are going all gaga over. I mean, I've read much hotter sex scenes in other books, these scenes seemed pretty meh to me.
ReplyDeleteAnd if anybody wants to read about kinky sex and domination, they should just read "The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty" by Anne Rice. At least that book was better written.
You need to see this lol
ReplyDeletehttps://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=496862936994995&set=a.313161088698515.96402.311631125518178&type=1&theater
I'm in two minds about this story. On one level I wish I'd never read it because I'm pissed (actually, I'm British, so I'm in fact "pissed off", because for us "pissed" is drunk) about how much money is being made from a poor quality, non-original (I clearly identified the storyline as Twilight by chapter 6 before I even knew of its fanfic origins, and don't get me started on the Pretty Woman references) and, quite frankly, damaging story (yes, let's perpetuate the myth that anyone CAN heal an emotionally manipulative and abusive man if you just forget about yourself and show him enough love - self esteem is SO overrated).
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, however, I have had a huge number of laughs with my friends at the book's expense and this blog was a gem of a find. I sat with my best friend in a pub in London howling over the anthropomorphic tie, and my mother was literally doubled over in the kitchen when I read her the Dexter/murder supplies bit while she was cooking (in hindsight, not such a smart move but it's ok, I'd like to assure you that no kitchens were burned down as a result of your writing).
So thank you and, in an entirely selfish way, I really hope you continue with the next two books. Even if you don't I will continue to send the link to your blog to anyone who mentions 50SOG. All the best, EllieT
My thoughts return to the publishing industry... I wonder what happened to it to make it this way? It's so sad, that someone could be so damaged.
ReplyDeleteAnd then I collapsed on my bed and sobbed. I was feeling grief, for the terrible wounds inflicted on the publishing industry. Was it E.L. James that did that to it? Why do publishers like her more than me? Her name sounds blonde and foreign and I hate her immediately.
If I let the publishing industry spank me, maybe they'll read my manuscript.
OH GOD PLEASE READ THE SECOND ONE I NEED THIS I LOVE YOU
ReplyDeleteWhy, if we know this is such rubbish, why oh why oh why do we read these books?!?!?! WHY? I mean, there are much better dramas and erotic stories out there to be read... WHY THIS ONE?!?! Please answer this question for me, because I feel that the answer will set us all free... or something. Really. I'm not exaggerating.
ReplyDeleteThis has been grand. I'm so sad it's all over. I don't know what I will do to pass my time now. Oh, I know, I'll read the rest of the stuff on your blog.
ReplyDeleteI'm seriously going to write e-mails to some of my friends who loved 50 Shades of Suck and explain to them that they're smarter and better than this and include a link to your recaps. They have to read your stuff. They have to see the light. I have only ONE friend who hates this book as much as I do, and I can't live with just one friend. Life doesn't work that way.
This was astounding. I read all 26 recaps in a two day period and I'm responsible for taking care of a small child--that's how much I loved this. Before I found you, I had just finished my own recrapping of the book where I used a puppet and stuffed bunny to reenact pivotal moments: http://speaker7.wordpress.com/fifty-shades-of-grey/
ReplyDeleteAs much as my soul is completely deadened, I'm going to recrap the second one.
I have to say, I read all your recaps and enjoyed them tremendously, and I'm sorry for not commenting on all of them. But they were all hilarious! Thank you so much for the countless laughs.
ReplyDeleteThank you, thank you, from the depth of my being, thank you for reading this istead of me. I have some good friends who made sure that I stayed clear of this garbage (50 shades of crap, that is) but I also have some acquaintances who kept on nagging me to read it so that they can "talk about it" with me.
ReplyDeleteSo a friend solved my little dilemma by suggesting your blog.
I can't lie, I went through "a myriad of" emotions reading this. Started out laughing quite a bit (thank you for that) but by chapter 15, maybe 14, I was not laughing anymore.
Am I really just one of the few women out there that finds emotionaly stable and EMPATHETIC men attractive?? If Christian Grey is women's romantic hero then I think that as a society we have a HUGE problem on our hands. I'm not even going to touch Ana.
Let me just say that as a blond(e) originally from Europe, and one that truly understands what a submissive gets out of her BDSM relationship; Ana and I are not even the same species.
Thank you so much Jennifer for bringing some light into my life. A life where I thought I was missing a screw...or something....for not raving over this 'book' and not falling madly in love with 'Chedward'. I admit I gave up reading mid chapter about 2/3rds of the way through. Mid sentence actually, I just got the thought 'I can't read any more of this crap!'and threw it across the room. I'm happy to know I missed absolutely nothing.
ReplyDeleteFoolishly I got dragged into an internet forum discussion, and made the observation that I thought their relationship was abusive. Oh my! Posters down on me like a ton of bricks demanding to know WHY I dare thought like that. Oh if only I had your way with words. I salute you, you deserve a medal, and I hope you had a good holiday (I'm British!). Regards, Yvonne.
Oh, and I was sort of hoping for a happy ending in Book 3, but sadly Ana doesn't get murdered, and Christian doesn't hang. Ah well....
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU!!! For everything. For your time, your brain cells, the pain your fingers must be in for typing, your eye pain from having to re-read, your mental state for having to make sense of this mess. Hope you had a great vacation. Will continue to check in & hoping you find the strength to review the next book. God Bles!
ReplyDeleteYou know what pissed me off? I read through all three books and Christian never claims her ass. I kept waiting for that anal sex scene and it never happened. I think a finger happened and I could not WAIT to hear Ana's inner goddess get ass fucked.
ReplyDeleteYes, after all that is so wrong with the writing and the characters and the attitudes in these books, I'm bitter that I read through all of them and was denied an ass fucking scene.
THANK YOU for these recaps. They have made me so happy.
*shakes self as if waking from a glorious glorious dream*
ReplyDeleteI. Am. So. Freakin'. Happy. You. Took. Us. On (oh fuck it, I'm tired of typing periods) this wonderfully gross and cheesy (and totally disturbing) journey with you. Look what you've made me do: I just bought one of your books, I'm going to subscribe to your blog and I'm going to tell all my like-minded friends about you. Uh, OK, maybe that shouldn't be a plural. . .
Most of my friends just look at me in nervous confusion and shake their heads when I start saying what's REALLY on my mind.
But YOU.
You had me at "Raining Blood."
I read all the recaps in two marathon sessions - giggling like a deranged hyena most of the time. I have friends who insist this piece of misogynistic dreck has changed their lives - I haven't seen any bruises, however, so I'll not call the cops just yet. They will be directed to the recaps and hopefully the deprogramming will work the first time.
I know this was an epic PITA for you, but just think of the millions of women you've saved from drinking the mahogany-and-steel-and-sandstone-flavored Kool-Aid! I shall phone Stockholm immediately and demand that you be awarded the Nobel Prize.
I read the last few recaps in a marathon, and I kept bursting out laughing in front of my grandmother, and then having to make up a reason for why I was laughing. I really should know better. *facepalm*
ReplyDeleteAlso, there *is no Opus 8, No. 4 in E minor Chopin piece. Opus 8 is a Trio for Violin, Cello and Piano in G minor. What he's probably playing is the Opus 28, No. 4 Prelude in E minor. Not that I'm some kind of Chopin freak (although I do love the music), but it took me about 30 seconds on google to find a list of his stuff by opus number. But I guess if you're E.L. James, you don't need to do research like that.
*sigh*
Thank you so much for your fabulous recaps. I discovered your blog only a couple of days ago and spent practically the entire two days reading your recaps.
ReplyDeleteI love how you were snarky and funny but serious when you needed to be.
My narcisstic self hopes that you will continue with book 2, but having had the displeasure of reading those books I cannot in good conscience ask anyone else to do it - especially someone who I now hail as a literary genius. Or maybe I could employ Christian's use of "sexnesia" (making someone forget what they were saying or that they really don't want to do something by kissing, stroking and/or fucking them to the point of oblivion) and then you'll want to recap the second book to please us :)
I love your writing style and when you commented on the nauseous/nauseated thing, I knew that you were as pernickety as I am when it comes to matters grammar (this comment not withstanding), so off I toddled to Amazon and downloaded your American Vampire book to my Kindle. I'm sure that this won't be the last book of yours I read.
Hope you enjoy your vacation and have a nice long stiff drink - you totally deserve it.
Let me just thank you profusely for this. I NEVER laugh out loud at stuff I read, but this was the exception. Just fucking brilliant. Thank you so much.
ReplyDeleteNow onto the rest of your blog!
Well, its been a journey. I laughed, I frowned, I got a little depressed. At one point I really wanted some cheesey snacks but it was late and the shops were shut, and I wasn't going to pay the prices they charge at the all-night service station. I'm suitably miserable over the state of the literary world. I cannot, for the life of me, understand how this got published, pimped and popular.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for doing the recaps, even though it made you so angry at times. Was right there with you.
In a selfish way, I'm sad this terrible book doesn't have 50 more chapters, which means I won't have these awesome recaps to read. I know, I'm totally not taking your sanity, brain cells and/or liver into account, but there it is.
ReplyDeleteThanks for enduring this torture and bringing forth many laughs!
No... no... NO!!! For the last half there I was thinking that you had to be lying to us, writing your own version of what should happen (fanfic, if you will :P), because the trajectory was too good to be true! I was thinking, you know, if it ended here, it could be a weirdly existentialist book... with the opposite resolution from the one you expect.
ReplyDeleteBut then you had to leave that New Moon picture. And there are more books. :'(
Also, can I just say, the author does a weirdly accurate jobs of portraying the ins and outs of an abusive relationship? Somehow even though her characterization is supposedly terrible, it also makes the characters so consistently the perfect abuser and abusee. Frankly, it's impressive. I don't think I could do it as well intentionally.
Or maybe it's just how convincing you are. :)
How will we ever know if Jose falls in love with Ana's baby if you don't blog on the other books???
ReplyDeleteWhenever I hear of people burning books I normally get mad and upset, but honestly..
ReplyDeleteThe only way 50 Shades of Shat can be "hot" is if you light in on fire.
Thank you, Thank you for your recaps and your astute musings.
Just wanted to say many thanks for recapping this book. I'd been wondering WTH all the fuss was about, and now I know: just more Twilight, but with sex and slut-shaming. :P
ReplyDeleteJames' insistence on personifying Ana's delusional musings as her "subconscious" and "inner goddess" made me want to barf every damn time. I almost feel like James was reading "The Ego and the Id" and missed the point entirely somewhere. Maybe the very-conscious-subconscious is actually supposed to be the superego? This is making my head hurt. :'(
As someone with perhaps a better handle on literary concepts, what do you make of all this, anyway?
I just read through all of your 50SoG posts almost on one sitting, and I want to thank you, because they gave me joy. And that's not something that often happens when I surf around the internetz.
ReplyDeleteAlso, after about 5 chapters I got the weirdest urge to watch American Psycho. But it all made sense when I realized that Christian Grey = Patrick Bateman. Without the killing (unfortunately?). Hell, they're even the same age.
So I'd gladly see a movie made of this, a movie not unlike the aforementioned A.P.
... oh wait, this was supposed to be masturbation material for chicks? (and not a thriller about a narcissist psycho?). Nevermind then...
Hooray, you made it through alive!
ReplyDeleteI know you're back from Vacay now, and posting more stuff, so now that I've finished with your (marvellous, witty, enlightening) recaps of 50 shades of dreck I shall plunge into the rest of your blog with gusto.
I have even pinned you into my 'Reading' bookmark folder.
I'm afraid you're under Walking The Plank, but what can I say? Sometimes porn just wins =D
Thank you so much for biting the bullet for us all on this one, I can now safely say that I will not ever be reading these 'novels', I'll stick with Snape fanfics, I like my brooding fucked-up anti-heros with a bit of class =)
In this BBC interview, http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-17768823
ReplyDeleteErika James seems like the kind of woman who would say "down there". She doesn't even give the correct answer to what BDSM stands for. She keeps saying it's a Love Story! Yeah, do whatever I want regardless of whether you like it is such a TURN ON! Gag!!!
However, given how most religions regard women as second class and the property of their husbands (who must be obeyed) it is no wonder that women have a fantasy of being the unwilling plaything of a rich, good-looking, controlling man (which is what women like according to EL James).
Recently the US Republican Party VP candidate said that women's bodies have an automatic no pregnancy reflex to "legitimate" rape. What is going on?
Died. I am dead. I died when I got to the "Fear and Loathing" jpg. Thank you for your brilliant recaps. I'm sorry that you're going to read the next book, because I know I'm going to enjoy your recaps and that won't make up for the pain of diving back into that world again. Ok, I guess I'm more excited than I am sorry, but still, a little sympathy has to count for something, right?
ReplyDeleteIn all fairness, I have actually reacted to the ending of a relationship in the same way as Ana did. But this relationship had gone on for over 3 years, it ended when I was nineteen, it was blisteringly intense and we were talking about getting engaged.
ReplyDeleteBig difference.
First, even though I came to the recaps late in the game, thank you SOO MUCH for doing this! It has given me the ability to bitch about 50 Shades, with some knowledge without having to read the thing.
ReplyDeleteThere are so so so many things that bother me about this book and its popularity.
1. Plagarism. Can anyone think of anything else picked up by a major publisher that blatantly (and admittedly) steals from an original work? I've never read Twilight, have no desire to, but Stephanie Meyer should totally sue James's ass!
2. Publishing fail: as a member of the lucrative publishing business, I can understand a press wanting to turn a buck wherever they can, but have some standards! Bad story aside, it should have gone through a proper substantive and copy edit before it ever hit shelves in legitimate book form. I'm shocked and ashamed! This is a definite lowering of the writing-standards bar. Shame! SHAAAME!
3. This is an abuse story, not a love story. I really don't know why women are getting into this? Are they only reading the sex scenes (and from what you've said, they're not that incredible in the language department, which kills it for me)? Do they want their partners to be narcissistic controlling stalkerish abusive assholes? Seriously.
Ok, so I kept expecting Chedward to turn into Patrick from American Psycho and come in with a chainsaw... Now that's a good book, full of horrible sexual abuse. But unlike 50 shades, it's self aware. I almost feel that if E.L. James were a better writer, she might be trying to create an unreliable narrator, that we are supposed to yell at Ana and pray that she grows a backbone and doesn't fall for his crap. But James isn't that good, and this started as a Twilight fanfic, so I doubt that's what she was going for...
And of course, there's the birth control fiasco (sure, it's safe to start on the pill and fuck without a condom a week later. That's real smart), Ana's unrealistic lack of any sexual understanding (I can buy virginity, but she's never masturbated? but drinks like a fish? my ass!), the fetish-like fascination with all things expensive and flashy (you're onto something there), and the fact that for all the talk of BDSM, there's what? two actual scenes in the red room? I feel jipped! False advertizing!
Ok, sorry for the rant, but I was storing it up.
Done. Ana goes home, has a good cry, a good sleep, and goes on with her life. THE END!
(oh, there's two more books. As Ana would say, Jeez!)
Thanks again and I hope you enjoyed your writer's retreat.
Cheers
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ReplyDeleteJennifer, thank you so much for doing this. I think you pretty much saved me from going crazy because all my friends just keep telling me how amazing Christian Grey is. I usually get the "get the stick out of your ass"-response when I mention that Ana is actually in an abusive relationship. It's only fiction, after all, they say. It's only a book, they say. If they acknowledge the point at all.
ReplyDeleteYep, because written words have no impact whatsoever and don't influence people at all. Nope. (I keep nagging these people to go visit your blog, hoping that they might at least start to see the point.)
Maybe it's just me, but it makes me feel physically sick when I see that there are so many girls and young women on tumblr/twitter who post that they're now looking for their own personal Mr. Grey. From how those posts come across, I don't think most of them get how dangerous a Christian Grey would be in real life.
The ending of the book also made me so angry that I was about to puke (excuse the langauge). It just makes me so incredibly angry that Ana actually comes to the conclusion that the emotional pain the break-up causes her is so much worse than the pain she's feeling because of the physical abuse Grey just put her through. For once in this whole damn book, Ana actually does the right thing and leaves him and then this? If Ana's line of thought doesn't scream abusive relationship right there - at least the reader should be able to see this for what ist is, even if Ana can't/doesn't/doesn't want to at this point -, then what does? I guess I should have seen this coming since there are two more books but I guess hope dies last after all.
So, thank you again for pointing out what this book really is about chapter by chapter, and doing it with so much humor.
1. I wrote a book a bit like this. I wrote it because I was involved with someone called James and he reminds me, not of Christianity Grey, but of E.L. James. Wanna mark that one?
ReplyDelete2. Random House published Nazi propaganda during the war.
It's not so different now.
I'd be dead against James (sic.) and Random House were it not for the number of people that adore this book, and the number that adored Nazis, so it's not really James and Random's fault if they're shit, it's the number of people who suck this shit up and pronounce it delicious.
I know the blog is good and wonderful, and you are too, but I still want most human beings to eat rusty nails and die horribly. I don't want them even to have been born. But I think we can find out if they ought to die or not by asking them if they like the book. Mass murder has never been - well, not so much easy as justified, and easy to locate the problem, pin it down, and dissolve its future - at long last, NOT on grounds of race, or any political reason, or 'because I hate Mondays' or all those dumb, envious, irrational reasons that deny anyone's identity and stick them in a religious group or a poor group or a whatever, and gravely council 'worthy of death' for no reason, but because these particular people are genuinely evil and we need to purify humanity, not by gassing Jews but by torturing to death all E.L. James fans. Of course there are a huge number who've not read the book but are still 'of their number' (incipient fans, shall we say), but first things first.
You may think that killing E. L. James fans is a bad idea. But it's actually a very good one. It won't kill off all the pointless people in the world, but it will make a nice large hole in them, and then we can weed out the rest by seeing who's sorry when they die.
While they live - or at least don't live in a stricken universe of shame and self-disgust (my need to see them naked and bleeding and grovelling with bits of their fingers missing and crying out for a succour that will never come is so strong it would take many, many pages to describe) my life is horrific. That alone is a good enough reason. You'll eventually agree with me about that.
Meanwhile Jennifer, I am going to read a few of your books.
I'm late to the party, as usual. Started reading this series because everyone, and I mean everyone, talked about how awesome it was. Imagine my distress when I had to plod through the drivel. Yes, I had to know I wasn't alone so I googled, "hate fifty shades of grey." Silly me, I knew I wasn't alone. Your recaps are awesome and hilarious. Oh, I howled with delight. Thanks for taking away my Fifty Shades of Anger (although I'm still perplexed at the number of women I know who love this book). Almost all better, now.
ReplyDeleteOn to book two!
OMG!! this was amazing i just love you!! so true!! xoxo fan overseas!
ReplyDeleteI've been reading 50 shades of grey; my mum brought a copy home and I was curious, and following along with your recaps at the same time. I just finished the book today and I wanted to say that these recaps sum up exactly how I felt about the book. It was uncomfortable and sometimes even torturous to read and, like you, I don't understand why millions of women are going gaga for it. I don't think I'll read the sequels but I may read your recaps instead.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I wonder if every time she referred to him as "my Fifty Shades" it was originally "my Master of the Universe". Gotta fit those title-drops in there.
ReplyDeleteThank you so SO much for taking this for the team, Jenny! You saved me hours of wasted time reading this stupid book. I'd prefer to just read your recap and have a few laughs over it. Thank you again!
ReplyDeletearnica is a plant that's meant to reduce bruising and/or pain. when you already have bruises, it helps to heal them faster.
ReplyDeletei love your work, i've sent the link to all my friends and they're delighted too. :)
i'm sorry for my english, it's not my first language :/