My 50 Shades Movie Picks, volume 1.

By now everyone knows that a 50 Shades movie is something humanity is powerless to stop. Everyone is talking about who should be Christian, who should be Ana. If you are a young actor or actress in Hollywood, people have probably asked you if you would want a part in the movie. Hell, even if you're way too old to play Christian Grey or Ana Steele (Michael Fassbender, as a for instance), people are still lobbying hard on your behalf for your casting.

But you know who hasn't been asked for casting advice? A certain author/blogger who is, by all accounts, an expert in 50 Shadesology and who could easily teach an entire college course on the subject. Just as no one in Hollywood ever asked me before canceling The Adventures of Brisco County Jr., no has yet asked me to cast this damn movie. Well, I'm not going to wait to be asked, damnit. Here are my picks for the cast of 50 Shades of Grey the movie. Today, I'm going to concentrate on the characters who are, arguably, the most important:

Christian Grey

Obviously, when casting Christian Grey, you have to find someone who can convincingly convey the complex mental and emotional problems of a sadistic billionaire, while also being creepy as hell toward women at every available opportunity. He also has to be so devastatingly attractive that women have juicy, gushing orgasms every time they look upon his magnificent form. Which rules out about 97% of the Earth's population, and leaves us with these guys:

Henry Cavill.

If playing Superman doesn't utterly destroy his life (as playing Superman in any form of media often does), Henry Cavill would be my top pick for Christian Grey. Why? Because I realistically accept the fact that I will have to go see this fucking movie, and I would like to at least have something handsome to look at while I'm bored by the non-existent plot and what will undoubtedly be many cut-away scenes with grainy, artistic shots of languidly moving body parts. Also, Henry already perfected the "totally shitty guy who for some reason still seems attractive to me" role when he was on The Tudors. It seems like he would have this one in the bag.

Honorable mention:

Simon Woods.

After watching him as the sexually sadistic Octavian Caesar on HBO's Rome, I could totally buy him smacking a woman around in bed. But his performance in Pride and Prejudice was utterly charming, so maybe he could bring humanity to Christian Grey, something the character lacks in the books.

The dark horse:

Norman Reedus.

Hear me out on this one. Yeah, he's in his forties, but he can easily play much younger. Sure, he's not known for his romantic leads, but anyone who watched even one episode of The Walking Dead last season knows that this suave motherfucker can bring depth and heart to literally any role, including racist backwoods hick Daryl Dixon. If he can make me like a man who speaks gruffly about his brother's STDs in a survival situation, he can make me like Christian Grey. Also, did you see the way he carried Carol out of danger? So hot.

Anastasia Rose Steele

Heavy is the head that will bear her stupid, stupid name. Also, rail thin must be the body exposed by the actress, because if there is one takeaway from these books, it's that skinny is a big, big deal. Will movie audiences accept a childlike waif with wide-eyed innocence in the same way readers have? I doubt it. The biggest mistake this movie could possibly make would be casting a heroine who's more spunky cuteness than sexual awareness, no matter how naive she's supposed to be. That's why my pick is:

Amber Heard.

Amber is the only actress I can think of who could play both clumsy, shy Ana, and sexually adventurous, newly awakened Ana. "If I were casting only the white swan," I say in a faux-French-Canadian accent, "Selena Gomez would be perfect." But audiences need someone who's like Kristen Stewart, to remind them of Bella, but who, unlike Kristen Stewart, has the ability to mimic human facial expressions. Amber Heard was awesome in the criminally unwatched The Playboy Club and she was the only reason to watch the messy adaptation of The Rum Diaries. She could play Ana with a straight face without making us all roll our eyes.

Honorable Mention:

Alexis Vega.

With roles in Repo! The Genetic Opera and the upcoming Machete Kills, she's shed her child actress image. She's youthful, which is a huge part of Ana's characterization, and again, she has more facial expressions than KStew, so that puts her high in the running right there.

The Dark Horse:

Jennifer Lawrence.

She's a mature, self-assured woman who brought Katniss off the page with quiet strength and vulnerability. Doing the same with Anastasia Rose Steele would probably be a cakewalk for her. But I don't see her simultaneously cast in a series aimed at teen audiences and a series known for allegedly graphic sex. She doesn't have a chance, and that's too bad, because she could rock it. Imagine her falling into Christian's office. Is it not the most adorable imaging you've ever imagined?

I'll be back next week with my pics for Kate and Mrs. Robinson, although you all probably know exactly who I want to play Mrs. Robinson.