Today is the last day of school, and my daughter's preschool class is celebrating this by having a pancake breakfast. I know that other parents have no problem showing up and interacting with the children and families, but I always feel like I'm wearing a big neon sign that flashes "CRIPPLINGLY AWKWARD."
A lot of this is my fault. I like to think I'm really good at aping normal human behavior. I am not. For example, if there three people standing in a social area, and one of those people is me, inevitably I will become confident enough to go a step beyond nodding and smiling, at which point I will interject something into the conversation. This remark will be totally innocuous and completely on topic, something like, "This dip is really good," or, "Cameron Diaz was so funny in that movie!" but the other two people will stare at me, looking horrified and offended, like I just shouted, "I love Hitler! Let's dress up like Hitler! Let's find Hitler's bones and we can all clone Hitler!"
I don't know what it is I do wrong, therefore I have no way to correct it, so I end up generally avoiding other people entirely, unless they are known and trusted. But sometimes, you have to go out and consume, generally goods for your daily living needs, or services from people who know how to fix stuff that is broken on you or things that you own. This happened to me yesterday.
AT THE FAST FOOD DRIVE THRU:
Speaker: Welcome to [fast food place], would you like to try a cherry berry chiller today? Order when ready.
Me: I would emphatically not like to try a cherry berry chiller today. I will have... uh... I'm gonna... listen, I am just completely unprepared for this whole thing right now.
EMAILING MY CAR'S MANUFACTURER
Me, via email form: I have a 2006 [car model], the kind where the seat belts come out of the top of the seats. They cut into your neck if you have to make a hard stop. I'm afraid I'm going to get decapitated in the event of an accident. Is there any way to fix this short of wearing a metal collar or never driving again?
Ten minutes later...
Me: They haven't emailed me back yet.
Husband: It's only been ten minutes.
Me: This is about my head not coming off. You'd think they would make it a priority!
Ten more minutes later...
Me: They are being awfully cavalier about my head re: its attachment to my body.
The good news is, they're going to apparently call me today with a solution re: my seat belt, but I'll probably just mess that up, too, as I am utterly hopeless at human interaction.
The conversation thing is so me. even online, I once joined a forum about being a threadkiller. I post, thread dies.
ReplyDeleteGlad to know I"m not alone. Hope the pancake breakfast went better than expected.
I completely have this problem. Only with me it extends to online too. It doesn't seem to do so with you, because reading your posts I've been picturing you as being confident and cracking jokes left and right in person.
ReplyDeleteBecause of this I don't even comment on things as much as I'd like. One of three things always ends up happening. After I talk/comment/email whatever I have a moment of realization that what I said was lame OR someone will say something way awesome(r) and I'll be all "WHY didn't I say that!?" The worst that happens though is I get the "look". Wonder which one it's going to be after I post this lol.
You and me both, Jen.
ReplyDeleteThough mine could have been caused by years of crippling agoraphobia as a teenager. What sucks worse is that I'm getting my master's in psychology and I STILL have no idea how to interact with people. I usually end up therapy-ing them since that is how I've socialized myself (I'm such a psych-nerd >.<)
I'm the same way, which is bad, because I work at the front desk of a hotel. Today, I think I've made an idiot of myself no less than 25 times in an 8 hour shift that, at this point, still has 1.5 hrs left....
ReplyDeleteI'm not fit for normal human interaction. At all.
I used to be the same way. I'd go to a party with my husband and try to break the ice they'd look at me like I have blackmail photos. Meanwhile my husband could say the exact same things and get four invitations to a BBQ, two to a bible study, and a offer for a blind date with someone's cousin. Then one day it switched and I'm not sure how.
ReplyDeleteYou have no idea how much you made me laugh in a "funny cuz it's true" way. That is exactly me with my neighbors and at the dog park. None of my close friends live anywhere near me anymore, so these are the only people I have to interact with besides my husband. What's weird is, I didn't used to be reacted to this way.
ReplyDeleteAfter horrible high school experiences, I used waiting tables to get over my shyness and I became kind of charming and people loved me. I easily made friend everywhere I went. Life was beautiful. Then I went through a tragedy and moved to a different state, all of a sudden I am a social pariah again, even though I still act the same as I always have. Unfortunately, that horrible high school feeling has returned.
I have never heard as many crickets as I have in the last 5 years. Nobody seems gets my sense of humor anymore and it just isn't worth being treated as if I'm socially inept when I know I'm not, so I do the same as you, I avoid social interaction at all costs.
I have no idea if maybe my facial expressions have changed somehow, or what, but it is really frustrating and I would rather not feel that horrible outcast feeling if I can help it. Funnily enough, I don't miss social situations that much. Or so I tell myself.
Thank you for this post. Even though I'm not happy that you know the loneliness of being treated like that, it feels comforting to know that somebody as awesome as you goes through this, too.
I have the same problem with people. I try not to go to gatherings my brother and his wife throw, because I will, without fail, say something that makes people think I'm a monster. At one point, someone asked me if I had kids. I said, "No, just the four-footed hairy kind," and the woman asking me just stared for a moment, then wandered off.
ReplyDelete