Every day, I hear more women making excuses for 50 Shades, and for the behavior of Christian Grey in the book. And this weekend, I heard a lot of those same excuses, from a childhood friend of mine. Not about the book. About her marriage.
Without giving enough detail to reveal identifying information, let me tell you her situation. She met a guy from a rich family, and she married him. He doesn't like her family, though, so she doesn't really see them anymore. She sees his family. And he doesn't like her friends, either, so she doesn't see them anymore. She sees his friends. They go on expensive vacations, all over the world, and they go to rich people parties. But she's not happy, because he calls her names, he won't let her have her own money. He has rules she has to follow, and he reacts poorly if she doesn't. She confessed to us that she was afraid of him - her words, "I'm afraid of my husband," - and then immediately made an excuse for having said it. And she has reason to be afraid of him. He's currently being charged with felonious assault against the teenage son of a neighbor. "He does have a bad temper," she said, in the understatement of the year. Her name is on none of their property, though they do have a joint bank account that he monitors to make sure she doesn't take out "too much". She can't let the laundry go too long, can't let the dishes stack up, because he has a temper.
But she's not abused. "He's never hit me."
I have no doubt in my mind that she'll be a inset photo on the cover of People magazine someday soon, one of those women who "falls" off a cruise ship or gets "accidentally" left behind on a scuba trip after an argument with her husband. I'm not a good enough writer to tell you how hearing all of this made me feel. All I can say is that my heart hurts. It makes me feel helpless, and it makes my heart hurt.
And it makes me angry. It makes me furiously, violently angry at every woman who falls for the "romance" in 50 Shades. It makes me furiously angry at the author of 50 Shades, who I have refrained from commenting on at the risk of being accused of professional jealousy or attacking her. But I'm angry enough now that I want to attack her, I want to attack someone, something, anything. I want to be able to protect my friend, but I can't, because she has been brainwashed by our misguided culture, that tells women over and over how much they want a guy like Christian Grey. Well, a person I love, a person I was at one time so close to that we would literally dream in sync, snagged her own, real life Christian Grey. This is the result. The people around her won't be surprised at all when she disappears. We're building up our defenses against it, and planning for it, so it doesn't bowl us over. Because there's nothing else we can do. We know we're more likely to lose her than save her. She's standing at the base of an oncoming avalanche, and any move we might make to help her will just bury her deeper.
There is nothing I can fight against. I can't hit something or smash something to make this go away. All I can do is watch as silly, stupid women shovel their money (the be all and end all of power in our culture) into the hands of another silly, stupid woman, creating a sick circle-jerk of abuse as romance. And now I hear that E.L. James is writing a YA novel. Brainwash them while they're young. Make sure we train women to know their place right out of the gate. But can I even blame those women, or E.L. James? She isn't the puppeteer here, she's the puppet. Christian Grey, 50 Shades, those aren't the cause of the problem, they're a symptom. And E.L. James is as brainwashed as the rest of us. I can't even be angry at her.
"The War On Women" is a phrase thrown around a lot lately, and it makes us think of unsmiling, upright Christian men in suits bartering our personal freedoms for money to dig for oil. But the real enemy is our culture, and the attitudes that lead women to devour 50 Shades, to tweet that they'd let Chris Brown hit them. Even in my own attitudes and writing, I see problematic themes, and I rush to excuse them. We're all making excuses, we're all being victimized. Women are in an abusive relationship with the culture that surrounds us.
I don't know how to fix any of this, but now that I've seen it, I can't forget it. In the meantime, I'll just wait. Wait for the call where I learn that someone I have loved fiercely is dead, because she's been told her entire life to excuse a multitude of sins so long as no one is hitting her. Wait for the return to conservative Christian values that will make me a prisoner in my home country again. Wait for the next pop star to abuse a woman and get a pass for it, wait for the next big best seller to confirm to men that women really do want to be treated like human garbage, wait for the wives of America to find another thing to chat about behind their hands on the playground.
That's what we're doing. We're all waiting, standing in the middle of a building on fire, trying to warn people so they can save themselves. And they argue that they like the smoke, and they're happy to burn.
There is a real, human cost here. All I want is for someone to acknowledge it.
For 6 years, my husband abused me, and I stayed. It wasn't everyday. It usually happened everyone few months. He would slap, hit, choke, or kick me. In between those months, it was verbal abuse. I would fantasize about leaving him, then I'd start feeling bad. I'd say "It isn't that bad." Or "surely he'll change" or "I can't do that to the kids." People would point out how badly he treated me. On top of the abuse, he wouldn't spend any time with the kids and I. He'd stay out as long as he wanted, and as the years passed, he grew less responsible. He didn't try very hard to make sure we had groceries. Either I or his dad had to do that. Through most of the marriage, I would make excuses and defend him. Even though I knew it was wrong, I'd let him blame me. He would tell me it was my fault..and I believed him. After six years, I found the strength I never thought I'd find, and I left him. It seems we are our own poison at times..or we willingly hold our arm out for others to inject their poison into..
ReplyDeleteI was married for 15 years. He never hit me with fists, he hit me with words. "Sex would be so much better if you lost 20lbs," he'd say while we made love. Or he'd disregard anything I had to say, any knowledge I possessed, any ability I was capable of because he felt like a bigger man that way.
ReplyDeleteI made excuses too. When he stole the kids college money; when he emptied my retirement and savings accounts; when he stole money from my home business and put 10k on a credit card with my name on it... he said it was for the family, so why was I upset. When we went to counseling he said he was sorry, yet he never changed.
It was those sorries I used to stay with him. It was the laughter that he always had no matter how serious the offense. Because if he was laughing, maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought. I mean, he never hit me, it wasn't abuse, right?
I was nothing, married to him. I had no valid worth as a person. I wasn't worth loving or protecting or providing for and I wasn't smart enough to understand anything... or so he made me believe. And when he insisted that the rape I'd suffered as a child wasn't rape, that I'd overreacted, I was devastated, but I let him tell me that even there, I was wrong.
This is abuse too. This worthlessness of life, the valuelessness of my being. That my thoughts and fears and hurts were as worthless as a grain of sand--it's all abuse and though I left him and we're divorced, I still have it.
His words still echo and I still fight them and I still cry because those scars run so deep and overlap the hate-words I already told myself.
I got away. Now I need it to stop. It's the kind of abuse that I don't know how to explain to my friends because they're angry at him too and think I should be able to shrug this off, "because it's not true". But that's how damage is. It's not shake-able. It's there, even when it's gone. And every time I have to see him, for the kids, it slaps me and I'm enraged, hurt, and feel like a child in the face of his selective memory.
I haven't read 50 Shades, but I know abuse. I never thought this would be me. I'm stronger than that. Dear God, I thought I was stronger than that.
Wow, I don't really know how to say I'm sorry in strong enough words to this…I've never been abused or anything of the sort, but I'm glad you're starting to get over it. Hopefully, in time, the pain will subside and you'll realize what a beautiful person you are, no matter what he told you. Good luck with it all; there will be no justice for the kinds of people that do this, but we can learn to cope with them, and I'll pray that you do.
DeleteI am so sorry to hear about your friend. I know how helpless it can make you feel
ReplyDeleteBut thank you for your words here - and agreed to the hilt. This isn't something we've seen confined to 50 Shades of Grey, though it's very blatant with them - but what we've seen in so many Urban Fantasy, Paranormal Romance and Romance books - constant portrayals of controling men who don't take no for an answer and keep pushing against isolated, often vulnerable women whose lives rapidly revolve around said men (often abandonning their own in the process). We see it time and again - and it's presented as romantic, as sexy, as sweet, as loving.
It's not only unpleasant, but the messages it sends are terrifying and omnipresent
On a personal note, having a friend like you - and being able to say as much as she has said to you - bodes well for the long-term safety of your friend. No promises, because she's in a horrible position, but she's arguing with herself out loud - that's a great sign. I didn't say a word to anyone else until I was leaving. And she obviously knows that you'd be someone she can turn to when the penny drops.
ReplyDeleteI think the most important thing any of us can do in the face of this stuff is to keep talking about and telling other stories, stories which reveal those sexual dynamics for what they are, stories which are erotic - including those which play with power - without this kind of nonsense. The only weapon against dangerous narratives is better stories.
You're already part of what fixes this.
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ReplyDeleteI saw this recently, prior to starting to read your blog. It's an article on how one US state managed to slash it's domestic violence deaths by 40% over the course of a few years.
ReplyDeleteI also want to thank you for previous posts - I linked one of my friends to one and she admitted to me that the relationship she'd just left ticked many of the "how to spot a dangerous man" flags.
I'm sorry about your friend, and I'm sorry society continues to tell us that being in a dangerous relationship is sexy and acceptable.
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For many years I was in a relationship exactly like your friends. I never married him (only because he said I wasn't worthy of being his wife)...but your post made me cry at the similarities. I have since left him, married a wonderful man, and moved to rebuild my damaged psyche. I can't offer advice..but I can pray. For you and your friend.
ReplyDelete<3.
I am so sorry for your friend.
ReplyDeleteYour breakdown of 50 Shades is making a difference. Please don't stop doing that with this book. I have pestered all of my friends and their friends who are reading 50 (and a couple who aren't) with your blog so much that they are now reading it, finding how much the book they love so much is flawed.
ReplyDeleteThe story of your friend is sad and unfortunate. I pray she finds the ability to leave sooner, rather than later. The fact that she is discussing this, out loud, is huge. Internalizing the distress, believing the crap he puts on her and not talking about it is so much worse. And, God forbid, something does happen to her, you and everyone else she's told had better pin his ass to the wall over it.
In my non-writing life, I am a Rape Crisis Counselor and an child/adolescent therapist specializing in treating sexual abuse.
ReplyDeleteI have been having a heated discussion about FSoG w/a friend. She made some comments that I'm going to excerpt:
"I don't say that I like the relationship between Ana and Christian or that it is 100% healthy. I do think the heroine tries to show him that love is possible and sex enjoyable without the kinkery. I admit to squirming and being uncomfortable with certain scenes.
Christian is a sadist. But, he was an abused chid and the heroine is helping him to overcome the sadism. To me, he's complex because in many ways he is a good person-he does charitable work, is a loyal friend and lover. The BDSM relations of his past were with consentual adults and ultimately, he is repelled and repentant for that past. To me, he is a complicated multi-layered person.
The romance of the story is how the heroine's love helps save him from his lifestyle.
Why do you think this book exploits women? Shouldn't subjects be responsibly explored or is everything taboo?"
I'll have to post my response separately.
~Roni Lynne
YA Adventures in the Paranormal...and Beyond!
Here is some of my response:
ReplyDelete"My concern over these books is the way the bulk of the media around them touts them as uber sexy & hot & if you don't have this type of man/relationship in your life, woe is you. When the relationship inside sends so many dangerous messages to the young women reading it.
For example, from Entertainment Weekly 's 4 page (allowing for photos) April 6, 2012 cover story, the last column has this:
"Not everyone is charmed by the sex in Fifty either. Some believe Ana and Christian have an abusive relationship that misrepresents BDSM sex play. "He tells her when to eat, he stalks her and goes into jealous rages every time she's talking to her male friends. I'm like, that has nothing to do with BDSM. That's just a good old-fashioned abusive, controlling boyfriend," says sexologist Jill McDevitt, owner of the feminist sex shop Feminique Boutique in West Chester, Pa.
That's it. One small paragraph in a 4 page article. And slanted to look like it's just the opinion of "feminists"---and who likes them, right?
This "true love will redeem a fucked-up hero" only happens in fiction, but the teens & young women reading this (and by young women, I mean those in their early 20's) don't have the life experience yet to realize that. So they'll seek out and stay with abusive partners because "it's so sexy, he treats me just like Christian Grey". They'll take things many steps further than what's described in these books because that's part of the indestructibility of youth.
But now FSoG has all of this attention & there needs to be a counterbalance of information out there. Oprah needs to discuss this just like she talked about when Chris Brown beat Rhianna. But Oprah doesn't have a show anymore and no one else seems to be picking up the ball. Even Ellen DeGeneres filmed a cute funny bit about being asked to read the audio version of 50 Shades.
I would have read it as a teen. I was reading Cosmopolitan by 13 or 14. I wouldn't have known then that the 50 Shades relationship is abuse. I wouldn't have realized it until probably after I went to college and was exposed to more both in the classroom and in life. And that was when there were positive role models on TV, like the Cosby show & Family Ties. The kids today don't have those positive role models. They have Jersey Shore and all those other ridiculous reality shows. They have Gossip Girl, 90210 and "frenemies". They have Chris Brown beating up Rhianna. They have creepy, stalker Edward Cullen, and now Christian Grey, who is in reality, just Edward taken to the next level. And if Ian Sommerholder does get the role of Christian Grey, that will pretty much cement FSoG as the new standard for young adult relationships.
Now that FSoG is so hyped, kids with no understanding of what a true BDSM relationship is beyond FSoG will be trying to outdo each other with how "kinky" they can be."
Reading that EL James is now going to write YA just sends me over the edge! Random House paid 7 figures for these books. Universal Focus Features bought the movie rights for a rumored near-$5 million--to continue the oppression and abuse of women/girls in a way that has many of them so bamboozeled, they're thanking them for the ride back to the stone ages!
Thank you so much, Jen, for being an intelligent woman and having the---dare I say it---balls to call a spade a spade.
~Roni Lynne
YA Adventures in the Paranormal...and Beyond!
Very well said. I often find myself guilty of trying to find the good in people and giving them more chances than they deserve. It took getting hurt a few times to learn that when the bad outweighs the good, it is time to let go. And even though it hurts, if a woman chooses to be with someone who hurts her, there is nothing you can do about it.
ReplyDeleteFortunately, I have little personal experience with abuse. However, for a breakdown of a similar fictional character and a discussion of how fantasy can be just fantasy for some people while also being harmful to society as a whole, Ana Mardoll has an excellent deconstruction of the Twilight series on her blog.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. Most of my problems with 50 Shades have stemmed from the fact that it was a derivative work and poorly edited, but this brings to light an even more serious issue. Thank you for pointing it out. xo
ReplyDeleteAs I've commented before on your site, I read and loved the books. No, I'm not some lovesick tween or 20 year old. I'm a 33 year old wife who has never been in any type of abusive relationship.
ReplyDeleteI liked Christian at times, but I would not want him as a boyfriend/husband in real life. Way too controlling and jealous and needy.
I don't think this book series is telling girls (really, girls shouldn't be reading this) or women that being in this type of controlling relationship is good. To me, I was angry at Ana a lot because she would just take whatever he said just to be with him.
I'm sure there are other books where women are with abusive men. Stalker type men. Why single out this book? I heard that Edward in Twilight was a stalker, and that's for kids.
I love your 50 Shades reviews, but I think you're just a little too hard on the book and author.
Thank you for writing this. It needs to be said. I hope your friend comes to her sense before it's too late.
ReplyDeleteWhat the Goldfish said. You're friend is looking for validation that she's not crazy (although if you tried to talk to her, she'd deny that). She's looking for reassurance that you don't think she's stupid or lazy or will think less of her for staying in a stupid relationship (tell her some people just can't be changed no matter how we love them, and that you love HER, quirks and all). She's looking for a place to run (tell her your door is open, day or night, no questions asked. Tell her you'll send her cab fare or pick her up if need be).
ReplyDeleteI know what she's doing. I spent six years with a man who abused me every way possible. One of the reasons she doesn't see her family anymore is that HE'S afraid they'll point out the truth about him, and he's taught her to be embarrassed and ashamed around them. Let her know you're there. She's looking for that open door. You're doing right by being there for her.
Have I mentioned lately how much I love you? :) Like so many others, I'm so glad that you're still taking on this book. You've hit the nail on the head here... this relationship that your friend is in is exactly what this piece of shit book is supporting. Your friend is lucky to have you and the fact that she's told you so much is a good sign. A victim will leave and go back to their abuser an average of 7 times before leaving for good (if they do), so it's ridiculously hard to stand by and watch it. Keep loving her and supporting her even if it becomes hard to do. She needs it.
ReplyDeleteLove this post. It is so true. I just don't see the fantasy of having every aspect of your life being controlled. I don't see the fantasy of being afraid of your bf/husband. It's not a fantasy. It's a nightmare. One I have survived.
ReplyDeleteI was in an emotionally abusive long distance relationship for over a year. It was so bad that he was able to control me from 400 miles away. I couldn't talk to my friends, be around my family for too long or even talk to any other guys. I once quit a job I liked because I spent too much time away from him and I was around my male friends. When I did things that angered him he would call me names and scare me and guilt trip me, and he loved me sooooo much that no one would ever love me the same. I was going through this post saying "yep" st almost every sentence. Fortunately I got out--and found a healthy and fulfilling relationship. But reading this makes me do sick and so angry I want to post it everywhere and link it to every person I know who has read or thought about reading these books.
ReplyDeleteKeep letting your friend know that you love her and that you're there for her. Let her know she has a place to go when she eventually realizes how fast she needs to run away from that man.
ReplyDeleteJennifer, thank you for writing this. It needs to be said, and it needs to be read. I'm kind of surprised you already got someone in the comments defending the book. I'm not really sure how anyone could defend this book.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to post this onto Facebook but I know how private you are. Feel free to message me on FB about that.
Jennifer,
ReplyDeleteI've seen your book covers before but never visited your blog. I've now spent *hours* going through all your FSoG posts. Thank you.
Thank you for having the guts to call these books out for the thievery that they are. Thank you for pointing the bad writing. Thank you for stating in no uncertain terms that complaints about these books are not about jealousy. Thank you for finding all the nonsensical and ridiculous trope examples.
And thank you for this. I'd done enough research on these books (while writing my own post about the "ethics of fan fiction") to hear about the abuse angle, but you've made the issues so clear I hope people will listen.
I've been in your situation, when you wish you could wake someone up to the situation. We brainstormed a plan of escape together. And then she didn't take it. I hope your friend will. *virtual hugs*
Thank you. My ex-husband saw himself as we're supposed to see Christian Grey. He genuinely thought that was how to be a sexy, manly husband, and that it was absolutely a loving way to behave.
ReplyDeleteI worry about boys, too. I mean, obviously I worry about girls. Girls should not be using this as a model for what they want, and I learned firsthand what can happen to a girl who marries a Christian Grey, I'm absolutely furious for their sake too. But what does that say to a young boy who really wants to experience love but just can't get a girlfriend? It says, go read about this Edward Cullen or Christian Grey that all of the women are crazy about, and act like him. The feelings of fear that Ana expresses make it even worse, because then boys think it is okay if she expresses fear, you just need to reassure her that it's for her own good.
I hope all of these mothers who talk about "wanting a Christian Grey" are careful not to expose their sons to this. And I hope that they're teaching their sons to treat girls with respect, and to treat themselves with respect.
Serious fan of your blog and fellow Michigander-Thank you for high-lighting an issue that has been a persistant flaw in romantic fiction. Pass it on.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say I am loving your FSoG posts and they are the much-needed antidote to all the love going around the internets for this a-hole Grey.
ReplyDeleteAlso please please don't give up on your friend. I was in an abusive relationship in the late 90s for about a year, totally isolated from my friends and family. I was convinced all of my loved ones had given up on me considering I had become so removed from them.
One day I was with my abuser and we happened to run into one of my long lost friends. She was very polite to the two of us. Then she managed to catch my eye, look over towards him and very subtly shake her head 'no.' He never noticed. But I knew then that if I tried to get out, she would be there for me. And she was. It took about 5 or 6 more months , but she was.
So please don't give up on your friend. More people manage to get out of abusive relationships than stay in them. I don't know where I read that but it's true. If you talk to her my advice is to drain that bank account and use the cash to go far in a short period.
actually that should be 'I don't know where I read that but I HOPE it's true!'
ReplyDeleteThis message needs to be out there: FSoG and Twilight are examples of horrible, abusive relationships NOT healthy ones to be desired and fantasized over! Thank you for doing this in a humorous and engaging way.
ReplyDeleteJust want to point out that Jesus broke a lot of social taboos by valuing and supporting women. My faith in God liberates me as a woman, wife, and sexual being. It also gives me a value of myself that has helped free me from an abusive relationship. Please use the same care with separating Christianity from abuse as you do separating BDSM from abuse.
Carry on! (Oh, and please be sure to continue pointing out the horrible writing/punctuation/grammar!) I need my daily dose of laughs!
I watched my best childhood friend go through an abusive relationship for 7 years while she lied to me about what was happening (even though I knew she was lying) but I was so far away and couldn't do anything about it. Finally, after I shared enough literature with her and one of these lists of signs of abusive relationships she finally managed to break out of her own headspace and get out of the relationship.
ReplyDeleteLet's not be sexist about it: women in today's society, more than in the past, but not unimaginably, commit these same things. When that scenario is featured in a book, movie, etc., it often is cheered, calling her a strong woman and champion.
ReplyDeleteTwo wrongs never have made a right. Wrong is wrong. Stop making this a he did/she suffered issue and transform it into a BAD PERSON/NAIVE PERSON issue.
Thank you for this. All joking aside (and your posts and recaps have been really hilarious) I am frightened by the popularity of these books. They take an abusive relationship and say "this is what you should want." And, really, it is just a more blatant version of a message we are bombarded with all the time. This "50 shades" nonsense is offensive in many ways, and it bothers me that we can't criticize it without being told "oh you just don't understand it," or "it's a bdsm relationship that's all!" It's not bdsm...there is no real consent, the protagonist is not emotionally mature enough to give consent to most things, although she certainly seems to have very physical gut reactions that show this relationship is not what she wants.
ReplyDeleteI am so, so sorry about your friend. I had a similar situation happen, and it is terrifying and so heartbreaking watching someone you love get treated that way, and knowing they can really only pull themselves out of it. Hang in there. I hope very much that she realizes what the situation is and can get out of it. I'll keep you and your friend in my thoughts!